I struggle, at times, to make myself believe that God is working in our lives. On one level, I know He is always there, guiding us, pouring His graces down on us, but on another level, my doubts and anxieties surface. I don’t recall every asking God, “Why,” but when the pain is burning inside of me, I ask “Why not?” Everyone suffers, some people more than others, but everyone bears a cross. No one gets out of life without something. some kind of pain or suffering. Absolutely no one.
We were all born to die, but we were also born to live. 12 years ago, my husband’s life was taken by cancer. The aftershocks were, at best, difficult, but I felt God’s tender, loving Hands guiding and protecting us. We were surrounded and protected by a community of love.
Today, we have changed. We have grown and become different people than when we began our journey in the throes of grief. Our grief has changed. We still deal with the sadness, but not as intensely as before. We now laugh at our memories of other days. I used to call them better days, but, now, it’s other days. There are many days when I wish I could see God in this journey, and there are many days when I do see, maybe not understand, God’s ways. I do believe, though, that in all of this for our family, God has a purpose. He always does.
When days are difficult, I cling to that thread because it is my hope, some days, my only hope.
The sun is almost set behind the horizon. Shadows grow. Neighbors are turning on their interior lights. Jenny and I set out luminaries in remembrance of that day 12 years ago when our neighbors joined us when we encased Dan in love and light as he died. Most of them won’t remember why we are doing this, but in our family home, we are welcoming the Christ Child back. We know that Dan is safe. He’s home and for this we rejoice!
As we navigate our way home, we know that my husband and my children’s father intercedes for us with God. We know that Jesus, the beloved Son of God, walks with us. We know that the Mother of God, Mary, walks with us, holding her Son’s Hand, guiding and protecting us. In spite of this love, we still have our days. We have moved beyond his death, but the grief persists. Will we ever not know grief and sorrow? I don’t know, but we do know that when we rely on God to carry us through the worst days, we can also rely on Him to rejoice with us on our good days.
Another season is complete. We walk in faith, most days. We learned that God has a plan, perhaps a plan we would rather not have, but there is a plan for us. We pray. We love. We hope.
Oh, my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell. Lead all souls to heaven, especially those who are in most need of they mercy. Amen.
Eternal Father, we offer You the Most Precious Blood of Your Divine Son, Jesus, in union with all of the Masses said throughout the day, in reparation for sins, for the Holy Souls in Purgatory, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the universal Church, those within my own home, and within my family. Amen.
All praise and honor be to the Precious Blood of Jesus, for it wrought our salvation and our redemption. Amen.