Real life interferes. I had other plans today. I planned to get up, go to Mass, spend the day doig this, that, and the other, go to a Christmas party tonight. That was what I wanted to do. Last night, I started feeling poorly. This morning, getting out of bed was not an option. Graduate Sunday! I love this Sunday. I spent the morning, no, it will be the rest of the day, in bed: blowing my nose, coughing, aches, pains, and a fever. Not what I had in mind. I guess, God had other plans.
It bothers me a lot when I miss Mass on Sunday. In the last ten years, I can count on one hand the number of times I have missed Mass on Sunday. I know there is no sin in this miss because I am sick, but it was a Sunday in the liturgical calendar that I love.
So, I begin the Examen by closing my eyes, and that’s not hard today. Keeping my eyes open is the problem. I wait. Where is God? He must be here. He can’t be far, but today, He’s hidden. He’s silent. His promises must be remembered. “I AM with you.”
I wait. I feel cold. The windows are open on this cold winter day to get rid of the nasty germs in the air. I breathe through my mouth since my nose is plugged. My ear hurts. I try to find a comfortable place in bed. Pixie has decided that she wants to comfort and love me as I lay in bed. She takes up most of the bed with little room left for me. Lord, where are You? The silence is deafening. I feel very frustrated. My faith tells me that God is here with me, but I need to feel God with me NOW! He’s hidden. He’s quiet. He is loving me in His silence. He is loving me in His quiet. My head hurts. My nose is stuffed. I ache. I offer this up to God. I wait. Nothing. Where are you God? I need Your comfort.
I feel that maybe I should offer this up to God. I know that each Examen is unique. I offer missing Mass up to God. I offer God my disappointment in not being able to attend one of my favorite Masses of the year. I offer up the lack of room in this bed. I thank God for the gift of this over sized, loving dog. I offer the frustrations I feel in not finding God in this prayer. I still don’t feel God in this, but I do feel more at peace.
I’m not good at suffering, You know that. I offer all of this up to You. I offer up feeling awful, my frustrations, my dog laying in and hogging my bed. I know this will pass, but if You could speed it up a bit, I’d appreciate it, but if you choose not to do so, I’m okay with that. I look forward to tomorrow when I feel better. I thank You for everything You have done with me, even though I cannot find You near me today. In Your silence, I wander. I wait for You. I see Your cross in my mind’s eye. I kneel on the gravel in front of Your cross. I offer this up to You. Tomorrow will be better.